If you want something, anything, to change – the change must first come from inside yourself

I was traveling up to my son’s end of term carol service last Wednesday and became engrossed in Jeremy Vine’s phone-in show on Radio 2.  I’ve just listened in again on the BBC iPlayer – and I am still saddened and frustrated by what I heard.

The topic up for discussion was the proposed change in the law on domestic violence in the UK – taking into account coercive control, which is the verbal and emotional abuse suffered by many women, as well as physical abuse.

Although this is not specifically the area I work in, why it became relevant to me as I listened and actually what made me sad and cross, was how these people were unaware of the possibility to completely heal AND move on after their years of very real despair.  Some were still obviously victims and some thought they weren’t but, because they were still snared by negative emotions, then they were too.  It’s almost as if society wants to have groups of people to feel sympathy for because it makes us feel good, and being sympathetic towards them is more for society than for the good we do them.  Society would somehow be missing out if everyone was to suddenly jump up and take powerful control of their lives – who would it put its arms around then?

I’d love it if I had worked to enlighten and support so many that we had no-one to feel sympathy for after the end of a painful relationship – it would mean I had done my work and done it brilliantly and completely, and the world was full of enlightened and powerful women taking beautiful and wonderful control over their lives.

What is it that would make you brush off and refer to as almost irrelevant your own unhappy, controlling and abusive relationship because it wasn’t a daily occurrence of bruises and filth, somehow it wasn’t quite bad enough?  The reason is that at an unconscious level it boils down to varying degrees of lack of self-worth, a lack of love for yourself and on an energetic level, literally emitting waves of welcome to just the right person to fulfil your unconsciously held belief that you are deeply unworthy.

And it’s ok for me to get on my high horse over this one, because as I listened to contributors I recognised myself in varying degrees, from a few years ago.  I believe that my own experiences were to teach me to grow and learn, so much so that I chose to help people become powerful when they find themselves on the far side of their break-up.

Most women stay in relationships like these far longer than they need to or should, out of fear – fear of where they will go, fear of what they will do, fear of having no money, and in rare cases the very real and present danger from their ex.

I’m unashamedly standing on my soap box about this because it’s all about bringing to women’s awareness everywhere that the change has to come from inside us, not their abusers.  You are not in a position to change others – you are only in a position to change yourself.  When you heal and change what is going on inside yourself you will discover one of 3 things happens:

• That person decides to move on
• Their behaviour changes
• Their behaviour continues but it no longer triggers you and causes an emotional response in you

And it’s OK to become a brave and courageous person and to cast aside the all-pervading self-doubt and find that kernel of belief that will germinate into the blue-print for a new life.  Have faith and trust, because it is possible – possible to make a real success of it.

What I’ve noticed through my own experience and observing the dynamics of others’ break-ups and how they play out is this. The separations that are most painful, drawn out and damaging are those where one person is being significantly more demanding, more controlling and, quite often, more childish. As women we naturally like to please, nurture and make things right and so it is often we who find ourselves being the one dangled around like a puppet on a string. (That’s quite a generalisation I realise, and I know, guys, that you can also end up being played and finding yourselves dis-empowered too.)

One of my strongest beliefs is that we all have choice and in fact, the reason that you may have found yourself being thrown around during the negotiation period was because you believed you had no choice.

When you take the philosophy and belief of having ‘no choice’ into your life beyond your break-up you will remain dis-empowered and small. It is going to have a massive impact on how successfully you build your life now, what you believe you can achieve and whether you actually do achieve half of the things you would ‘like’ to. Now is the best chance you are ever going to get to re-design your life. You do have choice and you can choose to believe that now.

Here are 3 ways that you can start immediately to build what can become a fabulous future for you and your children now that all the wrangling is over.

1. Start by making big, bold decisions – what do you want your life to look like next year? What would you like to be doing that is different? What have you always wanted to do and never had the chance to? What will you have achieved a year from now? When you make a firm decision to do something, there is an energetic shift that occurs inside you and you will find that life correspondingly shifts to help you achieve whatever it is, when you take the right action

When I start out with a new client and we work privately together I spend a significant amount of time in that first day defining how she wants her life to become and what steps she can take to achieve exactly the vision I help her to create.

Once you become used to taking bold decisions then Step No 2 falls into place easily and naturally, and that is

2.  Setting Boundaries – you have to be good at making decisions first because setting firm boundaries entails deciding what you are prepared to accept and what you are not – and then standing firm on that should they be challenged. That’s the boundary. And it’s not only setting firm and congruent boundaries for yourself that is important, but also respecting the boundaries of others too – and this may be a stretch at first if this happens to be a boundary your ex has recently established which has left you wrong-footed.

Setting boundaries means that you need to stop asking permission and waiting for approval to do things. Instead decide that this is what you are going to do in future – and do it. Here are a few things to bear in mind when setting a boundary:

Ask yourself these questions before setting a boundary or taking a big decision:

• Do I really want to be, do or have this?
• Will being, doing or having this move me in the direction of what I want?
• Is being, doing or having this in harmony with universal laws and in line with my values? Is what you are planning on doing in line with your integrity or are you compromising your integrity
• Will being, doing or having this be out of integrity with the rights of others (including those you may have been in conflict with)?

3.  Control – Mastering steps 1 and 2 will naturally bring you to this wonderful place where you discover that you are now in conscious and serene control over your life. There is nothing masculine about this form of control at all. This is a very powerful place to begin to live your life from. A place that will begin to show you what you can truly achieve and the life-style you can create in support of that. It comes from a place of deep feminine power within you and checking in truthfully with all of the above steps will begin to give you the control over your life that you may be beginning to taste for the very first time. And I promise you, you will find it truly liberating.

And you know, it’s OK to make waves when you are coming from a place of truth. The sooner you step into a place of making bold choices and decisions, the sooner the people from relationships that are now in your past will also be able to move on and build their new life too.

If you would like to talk to me about anything this article has brought up for you please go to www.coachinginsideout.co.uk/personaldiscovery and make an appointment to have a no-cost conversation with me.

You will also find more articles giving tips and advice on creating your fabulous future on the site.

Please don’t confuse acceptance with submission. Acceptance liberates and empowers in a subtle way. Submission dis-empowers and drains.

I want to make the distinction very clear for you because when you get this you will find yourself being able to live a life that is freer and more powerful because of the boundaries you set for yourself and others, and you will find that you can enforce these in a way that is quietly and authentically non-negotiable. This will begin to build a foundation for you of growing stronger day by day, which will increase your self-respect and the way others perceive you to.

Acceptance is the opposite side of the coin to judgment. Learning to become accepting of the things over which you no longer have any control or influence is powerful and liberating – and you will need to make a judgment about the things that you choose to accept, and those that are not acceptable. Let me give you an example here from my own experience of the difference between being accepting and being submissive.

My ex, and I’m going to call him Bert although this is not his real name, was a serial drink driver and about a year after we had split up he began taking the children to the pub in the afternoons at the weekend when they visited – and he would drive them back home over the limit. There was a big issue around his drinking for me and I was still learning how to stand in my power over how to manage this for many reasons, however for a few weeks the horror of his erratic behaviour came flooding back. Most weeks he would be sober and then out of the blue he would drop the children off and I knew he had been in the pub. From experience negotiation was ineffective and I found myself yet again not knowing how to prevent this behaviour – I was being submissive and yet this was unacceptable behaviour. I felt powerless, ineffective and extremely anxious as he had an appalling track record. However, the next time it happened, I decided to take control. I called my solicitor the next day and put a stop to it. It hasn’t happened in years.

When the children visit Bert up at the farm, this is somewhere I have no control over – in the same way that he has no control over how we live our lives in our own home. I have had to learn to trust what happens up there and to accept that he will not behave with them as I would. And that it is OK. It has to be. Sometimes he remembers to give them lunch, usually he doesn’t. That’s just how it is. And when you learn to let go of the disapproval, the judgment and the need to police and control the situation at every turn, you free yourself up emotionally.
Practising this will gradually build trust where this may have been in short supply and it will increase the degree of your own emotional maturity every time you stop yourself from judging, criticising and blaming.

We can only experience one emotion at a time, so, stop trying to control every day situations over which you have no control and instead enjoy the emotional freedom of something much more positive.

Mostly, we all do the best we are able to do with the knowledge that we have at the time.

If this article has triggered anything for you and you would like to talk to me, please email support@coachinginsideout.co.uk or call 02920 090 250 and we will aim to get back to you within 48 hours.

]]> http://coachinginsideout.co.uk/behaviour-and-boundaries/feed/ 0 http://coachinginsideout.co.uk/taking-responsibility/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=taking-responsibility http://coachinginsideout.co.uk/taking-responsibility/#comments Wed, 09 Nov 2011 10:40:47 +0000 Wilma Allan http://coachinginsideout.co.uk/?p=558

What’s the quickest way to get into action after your break-up?

If you’ve been sloshing around in confusion and riding the big dipper of indecision since your break-up, not getting the results you want, going round and round in circles, then the quickest way to get back into action is to take responsibility for your results – all of them – good and bad. Ones that make you proud and ones that make you feel ashamed.

When I say taking responsibility for your results, I don’t mean that you should be digging out your hair shirt and flaying yourself with birch – something that we women are metaphorically very good at. I mean it is time to own everything that happens and has happened in your life.

Responsibility for results is something I teach all my clients – it’s liberating and incredibly powerful. It’s the absolute foundation to building an exciting, powerful and a totally ‘owned’ life. Can you put your hand on your heart and say that you totally own and take responsibility for what happens and has happened in your life – with no emotional triggers?

When you can do that with total comfort, without blame for either yourself or anyone else, as I now can and I can teach you how to as well, then you can say that you have set yourself free by understanding and taking responsibility for what shows up in your life.

If you are ready and you want to experience and make profound, positive and lasting changes so that you can begin to create and attract the success, contentment and results that you deserve, then this is one of the places you must start. It’s an exciting time and it will liberate you from the energy sapping, dis-empowering grunge position of blaming someone, anyone, for the results you’ve experienced up until now.

Once you step into the space of taking responsibility for your results and you discover how you can forgive yourself and others for past events, you really are on the path to true freedom.

If you would like to talk to me about this article, please email support@coachinginsideout.co.uk and we will set up an appointment for you.

When you are in a position to make big, bold changes in your life and you make a commitment to really go for them – that is when resistance can begin to show up. And it shows up in surreptitious and sneaky ways.

When you start to reach out of your comfort zone for things you have never had or done before, then you are stretching yourself – and that’s a good thing. When you stretch yourself and start to go in directions that you have never ventured into before you will come up against obstacles and challenges. So, this is where you remember that choice plays a huge part in your life now. Your awareness is increasing around what really is possible and when the obstacles start showing up that’s exactly when you must decide how much you want this new direction, new you, new and scary anything that is so unfamiliar to you right now.

The resistance and obstacles will tend to be subtle. For instance if you have decided that you want to re-train and change direction, you may find that something happens to try to stop you getting to your first training course – it could be your children getting ill, a train strike or something as random as a flood! It really is that eclectic and apparently unselective.

When these things start to show up in your life, this is exactly the time you really need to start asking yourself searching questions that help to put you in a place of growth.

Are you finding reasons not to do this thing out of fear? And you need to be really honest with yourself here.

If the reason you are saying ‘No’ is out of fear then this really is the time that you shouldn’t be saying ‘No’. If the only reason you are saying ‘No’ is out of fear then you should be saying ‘Yes’. You need to ask yourself, ‘Am I not doing this because I just don’t want to do it anyway? It’s not that big a deal’ or ‘Am I doing it because someone has told me that I should be doing it’, – or ‘Am I feeling resistance to it because I am scared?’ and if it’s because you are just scared then that can be the biggest thing that holds you back from going in new and bold directions, and you need to make it the one thing that drives you forward.

When you move into a new place, step into the fear AND come out the other side in one piece you will be so much stronger to continue your journey, building confidence, power and wisdom as you go.

Don’t allow your fear to hold you back from anything you decide you want to achieve.

First of all I want to apologise if this post is a bit later than usual. It’s because I wanted to get everything (well, nearly everything) in place before revealing the changes that I’ve been making and sharing with you the exciting new direction that I am now taking Coaching Inside Out.

It’s a very personal direction for me and I will be helping divorced and separated people Beyond the Break-Up – Forging Your Future and Making Peace with Your Past and I have been having a lot of fun making the changes to the website (which will be in place very soon) and putting up another information page – www.wilmaallan.com.

What makes me uniquely able to help you if you now find yourself in this position, either through your choice or your partner’s, is that I have been exactly where you are right now.

Having been through not one, but two traumatic separations, (one without and one with children), I totally understand that what you have been through has very likely been one of the most difficult, draining and demanding times in your life.

But, over the years I have also become an expert in adapting myself, re-inventing myself and doing something different (visit about Wilma). So the message that I will be delivering again and again, is that you have the chance and the choice from wherever you are, and I mean wherever you are, right now to choose to become better than you have ever been and also to create a life that you may not, until now, had ever thought possible.

So, here’s the thing – The simple truth is that EVERYTHING in life is a choice and it may be not easy for you to realise right now that you do have those choices as well

Believe it or not – you are in a powerful position.

I want you to know that Whatever choices you make at this point today, you can be sure they will have a dramatic impact on whether your self confidence, your health, your finances, your relationship with your ex, your relationships with your children, flourish – or not.

And with my support as a highly trained coach, you are in a position to experience the results of what making those empowering choices right away can do

Imagine, how would your life change, if you knew you could easily learn how to build the life of your choice beyond the break-up?

You have the opportunity, right now to begin to create a life that, in the past, you would never have thought possible. You have the opportunity of creating something new and better than it ever was before.

Believe me, I’ve done it and I am able to teach you how to do it too – and only if you make the choice and dare to believe it.

Well, that’s something I didn’t do over the recent school holidays as I decided that ‘now’ was being with the children and putting everything else on the back burner until September. It worked a treat and we had a really relaxing and fun time.

The thing about relaxing is that it always has the most amazing effect, as it allows space for all those unconscious thoughts that have been nudging away over the months to come to the surface.

The result of this for me is a really exciting decision to take my business in a new, enriching and powerful direction. So I wanted to give you all the ‘heads-up’ that this is happening, and very soon I shall be blogging on my new niche and direction, which I know is going to be a really significant and important new way that I can help many of you who have been following me for a while and many others too.

Anyway, back to today.

I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase, ‘You’ve got to get out of your own way’. I’ve heard it so much this last year, and really thought I was doing all sorts of things to ‘get out of my own way’ – but nothing changed! Sad to say, it’s taken me all year to understand what it’s all about and work out how to do it!!

If you’re as puzzled as I’ve been, then relax as now is the time for your enlightenment.

It’s all about your ego, intellect, and thought.

Your ego is a necessary part of your make-up because back in your cavewoman days, your ego would step in to ensure your survival and help you to identify your sense of self. So ego is necessary, but it is possible for you to be in charge of it and park it to one side when you want to accomplish something on a more esoteric level. Otherwise it does have a nasty habit of getting in the way and sabotaging things changing for you.

So, what about your intellect? How does that get in your way and how can it be your worst enemy on occasions? Here in the Western world we put a lot of store by being intellectual, being good at learning and then IMPLEMENTING!

That’s all great, but you can over-think, over-analyse and over-plan so that actually you lose sight of NOW. Do you have any awareness of how things are on a really immediate, tangible and moment by moment basis for you, day by day?

I discovered that to get out of my own way I needed to suspend my over-active planning, assessing, judging and implementing for specific moments during the day and become much more accepting and allowing. Just to notice and be.

It’s about stepping to one side, away from the thoughts of your ego, your intelligence and intellect and putting aside the inner chat that is running around in your head myriad times every minute, and choosing to concentrate on what is happening for you right now.

So, as you are reading this, maybe you are allowing your thoughts to wander off to how long this article is taking you to read, or what else you have to go and do. And that’s fine too, but before you rush off, just bring your self completely into the moment, right now and become aware of you. Your breathing, your temperature, your hands and feet – are they warm or cold? How fast is your heart beating and what emotions are you feeling? Now you are ‘in’ the moment, and any thoughts of past or future should be completely gone.

During your day, whether you are peeling potatoes for supper, sitting chatting with your children or working at a specific task, consciously set your thinking and intellect to one side and immerse yourself in the moment and the NOW of what you are doing. Notice what you are feeling throughout your body – but STOP thinking and suspend judgment – and notice the difference.

Leave your comments in the box below and let me know how you got on with that, where it was easy, where you resisted and what happened.

Love it or hate it (I do – I boycotted it years ago) Tesco is part of our make up here in the UK. Actually, it’s not just Tesco I have taken against but all the massive supermarkets here in the UK. But that’s my personal quirk.

What fascinates me about Tesco is that it’s so frequently used by small business owners and people endeavouring to become financially independent as the example of where not to end up. It’s the stick that I’ve seen waved threateningly when your business gets tough, when things don’t turn out as you would have liked.

How often have you heard people say, or maybe you’ve said something similar yourself, ‘Well, I could always go and stack the shelves in Tesco.’ And so you could – and if you have a respectable amount of initiative, which is likely as an entrepreneur, I am sure you could hope to rise through ranks with alacrity. Yay!!

So what is it exactly that stops you doing that when times get tough and the gremlins drop by for a party? When clients default on payments, when the sales conversations begin to dry up and you dry up in your sales conversations and you’ve missed your income goal – again.

For me, (and believe me, I’ve had the Tesco conversation more than once) it’s the thought of losing my independence, of having to conform to someone else’s rules and regulations, of being part of a massive organisation and towing the line, of losing my choice to make my own mistakes my way and then to find my own way out again and enjoy the fizz and thrill of having sorted it, and probably having created something better in the process. Of not being able to choose how and when I work, with whom and who to joint venture with.

There have been times, not recently thankfully, when I can remember the tears rolling down my face and I’ve really wondered whether I should quit and go and work in Tesco – it’s a job after all.

And then I remember my children and I think of the people that I am here to serve, my purpose in helping the transformation of others so that they can enjoy the power of being who they really are, and I know that Tesco will not only never see me as a customer, it will definitely never see me as an employee.

So I suppose what I’m saying here is when you know you found the right way for you, your purpose and passion and you get such a kick out of what you do, even when the big dipper swoops to its depths and you are clattering around in darkness for a while, remember that there will be another high and you can and will climb back out of the depths.

The view from the top is always better.

This is how resistance shows – “With silver bells and cockle shells and …………” every trick in the book to make you think that this has nothing to do with YOU!

I’m going to tell you that it has everything to do with you, and to help you understand the subtle and peculiar ways it will show up I want to tell you of a great example of resistance that a potential client was experiencing just this week.

I’m running a Money Myth 1 Day Master Mind in October for a select few clients (and there are still one or two spots available by the way, if you’d like to be considered) to really dig down deep into what your particular relationship with money really is all about and how your current beliefs around money can prevent so much of what you want really happening for you.

One of the women I spoke to wants to leave her job in accountancy and set up a business addressing the relationship that professional healers and spiritual people have with money because her passion is money and prosperity work.

When answering the questions I posed to find out whether she would be a fit for joining me on this very select day, here is the gist of how important it was for her:

• On a level of 1 -10 it was a 10 in importance for her to move away from her current job
• She has health issues as a result of what she is doing now
• And, as we know, she has already stated that she is passionate about helping others with money and prosperity

Perfect match you’d think.

But here’s the thing. These are some of the things that until now have stopped her going ahead sooner and making this big and valuable change in her life:

• She finds it easier to help others than to help herself
• She is fearful of leaving her profession and breaking into new and exciting territory
• She has fears around giving up her safe income
• She believes that she has no great role models in the area that she is wanting to move into

These are all really valid, recognisable reasons for this transition being scary. Doing these things is scary and I have complete compassion for you if you are feeling that emotion and that this is showing up in your life right now.

I know without a shadow of doubt that coming on that Master Mind day is exactly what she needs right now and would have had a major impact on her approach to her new business, her own relationship with money and a whole lot more.

In fact, she did make the great decision to invest in herself – but sadly for no more than 24 hours before the surreptitious hand of resistance showed itself to me (not to her) as her own gremlins stepped in and she found reasons in our conversation to deny herself this opportunity. The most curious reason to me was that my offer of a generous saving on her initial investment for the day made her question the value in the day.

With all of the above going on for her, I take responsibility for my part in that at some level I did not serve her needs as well as she deserved in really explaining how this could make the big changes she’s looking to achieve and give her the support that she needs right now.

If you are interested in finding out more about The Money Myth 1 Day Mastermind you can email support@coachinginsideout.co.uk putting Money Myth in the Subject and requesting more information.

How do know if you are on the right path, following your purpose and fulfilling your deepest needs? And does it matter?

I absolutely believe to my core that it does. When you find your true purpose and follow it, you will be aligned and flowing with the energy that is a part of your destiny.

Begin by learning to look out for the clues. Your day to day life is full of clues as to whether or not you are taking actions that are in line and congruent, those that support your values and your path through life.

Ask yourself if you are on a path that you have chosen or is it one that has been imposed on you? If you are following the path you are on because, at some point in your life, you allowed someone else to choose that for you, that will affect your long-term sense of well-being and happiness. Where would you be more content, inspired and fulfilled?

Becoming aware of the nudges and messages that are informing you is extremely useful – essential, in fact, if you wish to change the course that you are following. They are powerful in helping you to remain on track when creating a successful and contented life which flows with ease. (And by success and contentment, I am talking about how you feel inside, not so much about material possessions).

By living life in line with your values and working to your strengths you can establish an inner core of contentment and satisfaction that in time will become impregnable to outside negativity. Whether the instance is simple and straight forward, the premise for reading and using the messages and clues you receive remains the same, for even the most complicated situations.

Here are some questions for you to consider:

• Is there a pattern in the things that are showing up around you?
• If so, how does this pattern relate to you and where you are at this moment?
• Is the action you are taking being supported by these messages?
• What happens when you take action in the direction you think that the message or indicator is guiding you to? Do you encounter coincidences and synchronistic events as a result? Does everything click into place and flow easily, or do you run into obstacles or has your progress come to a screeching halt?
• What is this feedback telling you? Are you on course? Do you need to make some small adjustment?

When you answer these questions, take a step back and look at the larger picture. Avoid getting caught in the detail. Looking at this larger context will offer a new perspective for determining your next action, and how the apparent coincidences are actually a beautiful synchronicity of events that are all conspiring to lead you in the direction that you are meant to be going. All things happen for a reason – even those that at first glance, appear to be not as good as some of the others.